hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I AM VODKA MAN
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.