am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
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I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
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We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.