mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
