He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
