also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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