I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
