youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
