I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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