I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
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