Don't make out with my wife yet
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
