You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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