Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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