He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
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