My sheets look like a crime scene.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
