I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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