The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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