This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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