i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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