I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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