My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
