I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.