I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
