I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
