just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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