I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
