She is in my trunk
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
