went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
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