dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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