I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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