When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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