I just made out with a guy for $7.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
