Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
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The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
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I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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