So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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