My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
