Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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