she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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