i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
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He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
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Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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