I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
