are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
