I wannas sexs uuuuu
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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