she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
he fucked my hip out of place.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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