can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
