The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
