You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm too high and old for this...
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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