I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
