I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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