this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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