I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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