My sheets look like a crime scene.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
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This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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