do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
