my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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