i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
sarcasm needs its own font
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
