My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
