What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
