Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
