Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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