i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
